Once upon a time, there was a kindly giant. Folks called him Glen. He wore an enormous diaper.
He loved to take drives into the country and have long talks with his beloved wife, and they'd talk about the old times when his member was not the length of a professional basketball player. Oh, it was difficult some time, but there were always the boys from the military base who'd come around for a joke:
Yeah, I know - it's like, Yul Brynner is Paul Bunyan! What a movie that would be, huh? Anyway, thanks for the skinned, charred cow; it'll make a great supper. G'night - say hello to the wife and kids.
Then one day the Giant decided he wanted to see the world - specifically, Las Vegas - so he got up and headed off to see what he could see. He saw a funny man in a turban balancing a bratwurst on his head:
He was confused by a crown and wondered if there was a sad king somewhere who had lost it and was crying about it, because that would be sad if the king had lost his crown.
He saw a funny big shoe and it made him laugh!
What's this? Danny Thomas is playing? I thought he was in Palm Springs this week.
He met a cheerful cowboy but the cowboy wasn't a nice cowboy and called him mean names, and that made him so mad:
But he gave the metal cowboy a hug anyway. And then the cowboy broke!
Feeling sad, the Giant went to a big dam - stop laughing, that's not nice, you know what I mean. I'm ashamed of you. And some soldiers shot him and he fell over and that was the end.
OR WAS IT?
Okay, enough of the kiddy story routine. There's no war, and the beast is actually a man. To be exact, it's Glen Manning, the amazing colossal dude from the previous movie. When he walks into the picture, it's a moment that must have loosened a few bladders:
Gah! You can hear the music, can't you? DAAaa-duh. DAAaa-duh. DAAaa-duh.The blown-off face, the empty eye socket, the exposed teeth - these things gave me Costco-scale heebies when I was kid.
It's not only more of the same, it's somewhat less of the same - the movie recycles the same damn Vegas footage. In the end he realizes he is a hideous thing that Ought Not Be, and commits suicide by grabbing some powerlines. This gives the director a chance to use the color film that fell off a truck the other day. Yes, it ends with color:
Experience the terror of Green-O-Vision!
And that was the end of the Giant. OR WAS IT? There's now a reboot in production starring Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin, with Jeff Garlin as Colossal.
Just kidding. I'm actually surprised they haven't remade this one. Surely there's a metaphor in there somewhere they can exploit to get a few critics on their side.