Making the case for concealed carry:
   

And to think some states still prohibit juveniles from legally carrying a rifle to the zoo.  How many kids must be torn limb from limb by enraged primates before kids are able to defend themselves? Granted, the people running in terror had advance warning; the Gorilla – you know it’s a gorilla because it says GORILLA on his cage – must have been working those bars for some time, unless he was mistakenly put into a gummi cage while they hosed the feces out of his fetid enclosure.

He’s a smart beast; he knows enough to put his hands up when someone points a gun at him. But he’s not smart enough to run away – he gets back into his cage while shedding visble droplets of anxiety-fluid, and sits there.

Naturally, the police are appreciative; instead of grabbing the deadly weapons and putting out an APB for the children’s parents, they congratulate them, hoping their own failure to ensure proper gorilla containment goes unnoticed in the general atmosphere of celebration.

You too can have a gun if you sell SALVE. All kids like to sell SALVE. What is SALVE good for? Well, you can put it on your foot after you've shot yourself, but it's not going to help as much as you might think.