Here we have a mix of old green rap, new green crap and some stunning green transitional crap, all of which serve to give the room the exhausted, mealy flavor of overcooked vegetables. The owner has picked the most unattractive variety of cacti available - the ones that look like prickly billy clubs - and placed them by the fire, where they are certain to ignite, setting the rest of the house on fire within minutes.

To tie it all together, an oversized Chuck Close painting of a cauliflower's MRI hangs over the fireplace. Why? Because that damn vegetable’s relatives might come around some day, looking for vengeance, and that’s the first thing you want them to see: their kin, sliced in half, lightly steamed and nailed to the wall.