Illiterate? Well, just buy a few yards of books and put them up out of reach, so no one can start a conversation about a particular title. Include a ladder that narrow perilously at the top, so people fear to attempt a journey to the crest of Mount Tome. And if they do dare climb up, they’ll be so unnerved by the three-headed Demon in Gym Clothes they’ll head right back down.

This makes Leroy Neiman look like Maxfield Parrish.