Ahem.

If you’re tired of those half-length Vibra-Fingers, rejoice. This one has the “novel design” that allows massage in “needed areas,” unlike those truncated units with “non-fiction design” that massage shinbones and armpits. Apparently you’re supposed to use this on your gums. Apparently the concept of “plug it into an outlet and stick the other end in your mouth” worked for folks in 1960. I’m just wondering what this was doing in a men’s magazine.

I’m quite certain it didn’t go up and down. I’m quite certain it didn’t go back and forth. It just buzzed and vibrated.

You know, like a finger.
   

 

 

  It is the Greatest Bar Gadget Ever Invented. Why? Because it confuses friends with a phoney Action Hi-Ball. With no gears!

You can understand who'd buy this. Wouldn't you? You've been over at a buddy’s house for drinks, and you've felt that sense of quiet resentment. I mean, look at that car. Look at those appliances. The furniture. The “Horizons” magazines displayed on the coffee table – as if he reads them. Well, maybe his wife does. And just look at his wife: She’s a knockout and she knows it. You’re going to spend the rest of the night trying not to get caught looking down her dress. Not that ol’ Charlie would mind; he’d slap you on the back, pour you another one. Life’s good for Charlie and he thinks life’s good for everyone. Share and share alike, he always says. He doesn’t know that once you saw him refreshing his drink from a bottle of Chivas in the cupboard. Yep. Chivas. He’d set out some Four Roses for everyone else. But for Charlie it’s Chivas. Bastard.

Wait until he comes over next week for poker. He’s going to be the first to get a phoney action hi-ball. Here’s what I think of you, Chuck, you think. Here’s what I’d do in your drink if you weren’t my supervisor.
   

 

 

  For women? For children? How many tots had ruptures? Were small babes hauling around sacks of cement in the old days?

Repeat after me the soothing mantra: soft flat groin pad. Soft flat groin pad. Soft flat groin pad.

Soft flat groin pad.
     
     

 

 
 

 

 
 

 

 

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