They’re coming for your nuts, and they’ll step on your women! The article suggests that the Codless Gommies would have to neuter American men to keep the population down, and use the women for idle sport. Yes, should Russia win the next world war, small-town virgins will be forced to remove the gum from unfeeling oversized footwear! And it will be cheap Soviet gum, made of beet root, paprika, used tires, and minced Asiatic yak rectum! Those who blow bubbles bigger than Lenin's head will be shot for impertinence!

“Posed by Janice Logan in a Paramount film.” Eh?

Oh: this.