It’s hard to work when the Hello Kitty boombox is playing a cassette tape of the story of “Chicken Run” and Gnat is in the tub loudly declaring that she wants a Green Booger Bath. So let me go fix this.

There. The tape is off. The Green Booger Bath was a reference to the green soap foam she uses in the tub. Now she’s yelling that she is a manatee, and that she wants to be the leader of the froggie parade.

On any given night a literal transcript of the conversation we have between 7 and 9 PM would sound like some sort of surrealist manifesto; at day’s end she just downloads all the day’s media, stories, jingles, play scenarios, etc. So far she has not started running around the house like Spongebob when he does his little twinkle-toe mince. And speaking of which: I think I’ve discovered the key to Spongebob’s success: no matter what your age, you think it’s aimed at some other age group. It’s slippery. I’ve watched a few episodes now, vetting them for Gnat, and I don’t understand why the show is supposed to appeal to adults. Now and then it’ll get off a clever line, but overall: meh. To compound matters, it’s on that screeching Nickelodeon channel, the format of which goes as follows:

1. Titles for Cartoon show

2. Ad for Choco-Bots Action Figures now with Seizure Lasers

3. Ad for Cocoa Puffs; animated avian mascot suffers from mental condition that makes him deranged in the presence of said cereal

4. Ad for Barbie Magic Action Bubble Surprise Party Time Siege Engine

5. Ad for Molded Plastic Parts, the game with molded plastic parts

6. Live spot for some slime-based competition involving two teams of children, bleachers full of screaming kids (dubbed, I suspect) and one host trying hard to remind himself that this is work, he’s in the business, and it sure the hell beats doing the weather in Akron

7. First cartoon. Ha ha.

8. Ad for “The Sassy Attitude Kids” or some such stupid Nick live-action show. Pick the cast member who will show up on the Smoking Gun for shoplifting cotton swabs in 2017.

9. Ad for G. I. Joe! Now with Steroid Tabletz! Put them in his mouth! Now with amazing genital-shrinking action!

10. Update from the competition, which is either happening live or occurred in 1998; hard to tell, and really who cares?

11. Another cartoon. It’s Flatly Drawn Merchandising Opportunity Boy! Soon to be a collectible from a Burger King Happy Frickin’ Meal.

And so forth. I note all this with sadness. Rolie Polie Olie is yesterday’s friend, I’m afraid, and I can’t tell you how this breaks my heart. I’m serious. Oh, we had memorized them all, we’d seen them so many times. But the winter mornings of 02 and 03 always had some Olie; the voices and the music were a constant, something that said we were here together, the day underway, just the two of us. Gone. Gone like Elmo.

Might as well get a head start on the future and burn her My Little Ponies tomorrow, eh? Sorry, kid: It’ll kill me when you outgrow this stuff. So I’m cuttin’ to the chase.

She’s now out of the bath, clad in her Powerpuff Girls Jammies, running around defeating bad guys. This is accomplished by holding out her fist in the classic Superman-flying mode and running down the hallway making a buzzing sound. That indicates her eye-beams are fully operational.

I’m expected to write in this chaos? Sure. Just did. Back to the columns (two column day) – check out the link on the right for an interesting site, and we’ll see you tomorrow

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