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The good thing about being a hypochondriac is that deep down you know, it’s probably nothing. Of course, the bad news is that deeper down, you know it’s something. But then there’s the consolation that can talk yourself into anything, so you can probably talk yourself out! Right? No. So I have a slightly sore throat; doesn’t mean I have the flu. So I had an ache in my right arm – what’s more likely, that it’s the sign of the flu or a hangover from picking Gnat up and carrying her around upside down for five minutes? The flu, of course.

And who was reading stories about flu vaccine shortages today? Hmm?

Odd thing is, I wouldn’t have gotten one. But I would have made the kid get stuck, that’s for sure. And now because the vaccine is in short supply I envision a Winter of Tragedy ahead. Is it too late to encase her in a plastic bubble for the duration? Probably. The damn bubbles are probably in short supply, too.

It’s been a difficult day on the campaign front for my nonexistent, fictional, and utterly NON HAPPENING 06 Senate run. Such things happen when people read too much into the joke. Please: I would rather unspool my guts with a rusty ice pick than run for any sort of office. IT’S a JOKE and I had nothing to do with it, and I don’t want this to get out of hand. So it’s a dead issue. K? K.

Besides, why would anyone want to go into politics if their children are now “fair game,” as Kerry’s campaign manager said? So the Cheneys have a gay daughter. OMG! I go to church, ergo I should hate the Cheneys for not putting her under wooden planks and pressing her death with stones, old-skool style! This is truly upsetting to me, because as someone who believes in a permanent reduction in capital gains tax and a strong military posture I must ergo obviously stands-to-reason rear back in horror at the very idea of gay people walking around freely instead of herded into camps and made to sew pink triangles 18 hours a day. Kerry was right to expose this festering obscenity! What if she visits the White House? What if she touches the silverware? Icky icky icky!

Jeez. Thanks for crossing that line, guys. So naturally Lynn Cheney fires back: Kerry is “not a good man,” which is a rather remarkable statement to make. Good Lord! You’d almost think her daughter had been dragged into a discussion of Constitutional amendments to score a point, or something. Lizzie Edwards on ABC radio responded:

She's [Lynne Cheney]overreacted to this and treated it as if it's shameful to have this discussion. I think that's a very sad state of affairs… I think that it indicates a certain degree of shame with respect to her daughter's sexual preferences… It makes me really sad that that's Lynne's response."

Preference? Not orientation, but preference, as in, she chose it? She got that big Hey, You Too Can Be Gay! circular Columbia House sends out twice a year, saw all the neat coupons and prizes she could earn, and thought what the hey. But you can let that one slide, since it’s the old PC phrase that replaced the new PC phrase, and some people get the memo but crumple it up without reading it. What really sticks out is the idea that the Cheneys speak from shame. Because, you know, if you’re a Republican and your child is gay you are ASHAMED, just as Democrats are ASHAMED when their children join the Army. Right? Can’t possibly be proud of them, because all Dems are commie-lib traitors, just as all Republicans are homophobes who throw a blanket over the TV every time a rerun of “Ellen” pops up on Oxygen.

What nuance. What elegant understanding of the human heart.

I wonder if they had a meeting and calibrated the impact of going after the daughter, weighed the options, and decided she was “fair game.” Hey: you don’t want to be brought up in a campaign, don’t be born.

Oh, it would be fun to be a Senator. You could have pet issues, like accurate signage. Down the street on Penn, in a sub shop that was once a gas station, this sad collection of consonants and vowels:

I have no idea what this means. I'm tempted to order one and ask for “a bag of chigs are a meglium Bebsi.”

Uh – I didn’t understand that, sir.

“Exactly!” I would say in triumph, and leave the store.

The Senate does not afford such moments. So no. I prefer the private sector, where you can be a pest on an intimate level. This meme is closed. Find a real candidate. Next!