I think I’ve started out most pages this week with an apology for something not showing up.

Apology! The sound file I mentioned yesterday is here. I have no idea why it didn't work for some people. Or maybe I do. <Tevye voice> You may ask . . . how did that happen? I’ll tell you. </tevye voice> Strap in! It’s a wild ride, this one! The original sound file included three minutes of commercials, which I forgot to remove. I realized this as I was uploading the page around 12:15 AM. This is the Danger Hour, since my desire to do the right thing is subtly undone by my desire to get the day over with, already, so I can watch a little TV and have some ice cream. The kind with a rich thick ribbon of peanut butter, infused with Sucralose. It’s a non-sugar variety made by Kemps, and it’s very popular – the rest of their “lo-carb” varieties taste like chalk and cardboard, but they got the Ersatz Reese’s number down cold. Which is good, because it’s ice cream! Ha! Oh, mercy. Anyway, since I like it very much I am convinced it will be dropped soon, so I have an extra scround in the freezer. Then one day at the grocery store I bought a scround before using the backup, and this left two scrounds in the freezer. So I’m thinking: do I go with the two-scround backup paradigm and prolong my agony when it gets dropped, or do I stick with one spare scround I can consume in an orgy of grief? Or just an orgy? One spare is cutting it short, yes, but two leads to three.

I’ll keep you posted. Anyway. I sliced the commercials out and attempted to reupload the file to the .mac account, but the network was being flaky. In order to update I had to delete the old file, but the network spazzed out on this, would not permit it, converted the old file to a folder, like a mother disguising her child from Pharoah’s assassins. Eventually got the file over, and all was well. Called up the page downstairs on the laptop, and there it was. But of course I was reading the cached version from earlier. By now it was 12:40, and I wanted to finish “Carlito’s Way,” just to say I had, and I neglected to empty the cache and reload.

There you go. I know; it’s an astonishing tale. I’m working on selling the rights. That short guy Luiz-something from “Boogie Nights” as the scround, Faye Dunaway as the root directory that held recalcitrant Quicktime clip (It’s my file! My folder! My file! My Folder! My File AND MY FOLDER) and the Television As Himself.

And I didn’t finish “Carlito’s Way,” which is notable for Viggo Mortensen as a parapalegic Puerto Rican. (What a strange name, eh? His parents must have made that one up.) Notable for Al Pacino as a Puerto Rican, for that matter. He doesn’t shout a lot, alas, and the director – Brian DePalma – chose a female lead who reminds one of Nancy Allen, his previous lead / girlfriend. He really seems to take the Hitchcock thing to heart. Why am I watching these movies? Because they come up on the HD channels, that’s why, and if I was ever curious about something I TiVo it and watch it over the course of a few evenings. I wouldn’t watch it on a regular pay channel, wouldn’t watch a pan-and-scan version chopped up with ads, but by-God put it on the HD channel, and I’m there, like the people who sat around watching test patterns in 1949.

Well, I’ve filed and gone to heaven, so time to leave the office and go do something else. I know! A podcast! Dang: I forgot, it’s that day. Well then. Let’s start now, so I’m not uploading it at 3 AM, weeping.

LATER Done. Didn’t have much time, so it’s more slapdash than usual. But fun. I never know where I’m going with these things, so it’s a matter of yakking, finding apt music, then seeing where that takes me. Links to the poddable & MP3 versions below.

Picked up Gnat, sped home, made salmon as fast as is humanly possible, since we all had obligations tonight. She had fishsticks, and she noted “they’re kinda limp.” She was right. Usually they’re firm and sturdy, and I build her a little house on the plate out of the things, but today I just tossed them at random – bad dad! – and added some Ketchup, the nation’s most popular farting condiment, and bade her to eat before she had to go. I ate while fixing her meal and my wife’s meal – that makes two meals I ate while making other people’s food today. I write standing, I eat standing.

Oh, speaking of writing while standing: so there.

Did the Hewitt show. Of that particular episode we will speak no more forever, as a Native American chief might have said. But it was fun, in a humiliating sort of way. Oh, OKAY, here's the MP3. Think he'd treat Mark Steyn that way? Whoooa no. Walked the dog; got to work on the podcast, and now I have to write the last column of the week and do some novel work.

I leave you with links. I mentioned the NASA documentaries and there were inquiries about what I meant: the Amazon link should get you started. Be prepared to feel the horrible need to get them all.

Via Insty, the motherlode of Quisling Pig propaganda – chilling films in which sell-out traitorous pork does its slave-masters’ bidding to encourage you to consume as much bacon as your gullet can accommodate.

Screedblog has this week's Newhouse.

The Diner podcast page is her (NO it isn't; iWeb totally screwed the pooch, and won't display the new page. Rowrbazz, etc. Never mind.) The standalone MP3 file is here. Thanks for your patronage; see you Monday.


c. 2005 j. lileks. Email, if you wish, may be sent to "first name at last name dot com."